Relationship Intelligence is determined by the interplay between two simple questions…both require and deserve deep and provocative thought.
Question One
Am I worthy of being loved and respected? Whittled down, am I worthy?
Question Two
Am I competent to get the love I need, want, desire, and deserve? Do I know how to love and be loved?
Do your answers surprise you? Do they reflect a profound truth about you? Do your answers explain why your experiences with love and respect have been more complex and less satisfying than you ever thought possible?
These questions probe your attachment history. Interactions with key attachment figures during upbringing are internalized to form a mental picture of yourself and others. These vital experiences form an internal working model or relational map. Your relational map reflects your sense of self and the world and informs you what, when, and how to act.
It is crucial to seek direction and guidance from your relational map during times of conflict. Your relational map reflects your attachment style, which motivates your actions during conflict. Over time, your actions become good, bad, and bizarre habits.
By the way, this is excellent news. Why? Unlike your blood type, habits can be tweaked, strengthened, and disposed of. Stated differently, while they may seem to have their own lives, habits are under your control. As you ponder your familiar ways, liking some more than others, start with identifying your top priority. Pick one habit that doesn’t serve you well and focus on doing its opposite. For example, if you have a habit of coming home late, which increases relational tension, practice coming home early for one week. Remember, if getting home early is your top priority, then nothing is more important. Make a mental sticky note about your commitment to this new behavior. Suppose your habit is leaving dishes in the sink overnight; practice picking up after yourself as soon as you’re eating. You might also consider buying paper plates. Ha, ha.
Congratulations, knowing what to do and doing it instead of doing things by habit is a sign that your hard work is paying off and your relationship intelligence is taking off.